1.
Arachnid Academy
In a
dark cupboard, down under the stairs
There’s
a school full of spiders who’re plying their wares.
They’re
learning fine arts to make themselves scary.
How
to appear huge and make their legs hairy.
They’re
waiting and baiting, they’re anticipating,
To
capture, entrap you and slowly de-sap you!
They
get marks out of ten for web-making skills
And
points added on for the number of kills.
They
don’t take packed lunches, they catch what they eat.
Bluebottles,
black beetles and greenflies complete!
They’re
taught to be frightening, scuttling like lightning,
So
beware, they’ll ensnare you and horribly scare you!
Their
leader has shown them the tricks of the trade
To
climb under pillows of beds left unmade!
To
hide in dark corners until they are sure
That
when they jump out, you can’t head for the door.
They’re
lurking and loitering, they’re lying in wait
to
threaten, upset you and quietly torment you!
Diane Humphrey
2.
The Very Brainy
Inventors School
Last
week we were given our first toolkit
Crammed
with everything we need
Just
look at this lot;
Twenty-two Twoddle –Tweezers
Seventeen Blooper –Bungers
Fourteen Fandangle-Irons
Twelve Tworkle Twisters(Left- hand thread)
Twelve Tworkle Twisters(Right- hand thread)
One Scrunch-Socket
Five Fizzle-Pliers
Seven
Sproogle-Drivers
A
dozen Dry –Dipstick-Drills
Thirteen Thunder-Jumpers
Twenty-One Woo-Wangle Wires
A short-Shanked Shuggle Shaver
Six packets of assorted screws
And three rubber bands.
We
were told to start inventing
Use
our big brains, so we did
Here’s
what I’ve made so far;
Electric
cheese
Bubble
–gum flavoured cabbage
A
little –brother shutter-upper-kit
A
big-sister-teasing-set
Glow
–in the-dark- underpants
Everlasting
fireworks (loud ones)
An
instant –recall-how to do-hard –sums-machine
Clockwork
fish and chips
Mushroom-and
–liver-flavoured custard
A
thermo-magnetic teacher shrinker
An
intergalactic pea-shooter
Fizzy
ballpoint-pen ink (orange flavoured)
Indestructible
footballs
And a
hand- held-homework gadget
That
always gets it right.
Next
week I’ll build a giant rocket
To
rescue all you kids from school
Want
to book a seat right now?
David Harmer
3.
The High School for
Haikus
seventeen
of us in class
writing
poems in the style ,
homework
just three lines…
lessons
don’t last long
over
before they begin,
seventeen
minutes…
chips
are counted out
so
are carrots, beans at lunch,
total-seventeen…
football’s
not much fun,
first
to seventeen will win,
if we
have the time…
guess
the leaving age
or
the number of teachers,
obvious
really…
I
want to count less,
sometimes
I want to count more,
sick
of seventeen…
so
even though I excelled
I
want to get expelled
to
give me the time
for
developing rhyme
and
kennings and sonnets and cinquains and raps
and
limericks, couplets and blank verse as well.
Paul Cookson
4.
My Plastic Surgery
Classes
Are
Just Not Going Well
My
plastic surgery classes are just not going well
There’s
three spare ears over here like melted caramel
A
nose that has four nostrils and still it cannot smell
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
Someone
else has seven eyes (to see them through the week)
Lashes
on their forehead and eyebrows on their cheek
And
after only minutes the face I lifted fell
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
Tummy
tucks have come unstuck and drag along the ground
The
chest implants are far too large(at least they’ll never drown)
I
like to cover wrinkles with a splodge of Polycell
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
Thanks
to my foot pump most lips are looking fuller
Inflating
like balloons, they’ve gone a funny
colour
Floating
off into the blue, watch them sway and swell
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
To
inject someone with Botox is the latest thing to do
And
even though I cannot spell it’s
something I do too
But I
injected someone’s buttocks… you should have heard the yell
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
Once
my alteration operation is complete
I
shouldn’t leave the patients directly in the heat
That
melts the sticky skin that slimes like sister’s setting gel
No,
my plastic surgery classes are just not going well
I got
my motto wrong-one stitch in nine saves time
So
now I’ve got a new job with a Doctor Frankenstein
He
likes the fact they all look like turtles with no shell
So
yes ,my plastic surgery classes are progressing well!
Paul Cookson
5.
Just Joking
If
you want a career in practical joking,
there’s
a school with an ideal format:
as
you walk through the door you get a good soaking
from
a sprinkler disguised as a doormat.
The
whole of the hall has a terrible pong,
the
teachers are wacky and weird-
they
throw custard pies if you get something wrong,
and
the headmistress wears a false beard.
The
maths books are written in Greek and Chinese,
with
diagrams drawn upside down;
the
playground’s a bog where you sink to your knees
in
mud of indelible brown.
There
are big plastic spiders all over the floor
that
jump up with a frightening whoosh;
the
school bus is programmed for breakdowns galore,
so
you all have to get out and push.
The
library’s stocked with books where the words
all
fade before you can read them;
the
biology lab is full of stuffed birds
which
change colour whenever you feed them.
The
computers explode at the press of a switch
and
cover the pupils with flour
with
a secret ingredient that gives you an itch
and
bursts into flames in the shower.
The
school clocks run backwards from night until morning
and
chime with a kind of a cough;
the
fire alarm sounds twice an hour without warning,
and
the cloakroom has hooks that fall off.
The
chairs make a noise like a fart when you sit,
and
your desk will collapse when you are on it;
the
school meals have gravy that looks just like spit
and
glows green if you shine a bright light on it.
In
this hotbed of horror the days all seem long,
and
you’ll finish up twisted but clever;
so-all
join together to sing the school song-
practical
jokers for ever!
John Irwin
6.
Princess School
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term.
I’ve
got my uniform, a floor –length satin number
with
emerald green sash and a dainty diamond
tiara
, my mother paid cash.
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term,
where
we write in brand –new notebooks every
day
and
children arrive by helicopter
and
there’s an Olympic stadium for afternoon play.
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term,
where
we have a morning nap to catch
up on
our dreams and our school dinners are served
on
silver platters, we have Caviar and Ice cream.
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term,
where
we’re taught in classes of One.
I’ll
sit on my throne and send paper
Lear
Jets out of the windows for fun.
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term,
my
new teacher is Miss Golden Hair, her shouting
voice
has been surgically removed and she’s not
allowed
to swear.
I’m
going to Princess School next summer term,
to
mix with all the toffs: with Beatrice ,Tamara,
Angelina
,I’m sure they’ll all be boffs.
If
there’s a question I don’t know, I’ll keep quiet
and
smile and get the answer from my new
best
friend-
a top
of the range Internet mobile.
Roz Goddard
7. The Prime Minister Is Ten Today
This
morning I abolished
homework,
detention and dinner ladies.
I
outlawed lumpy custard ,school mashed spuds
and
handwriting lessons.
From
now on playtimes must last two hours
unless
it rains, in which case we all go home
except
the teachers who must do extra PE
outside
in the downpour.
Whispering
behind your hand in class
must
happen each morning between ten and twelve,
and
each child needs only do
ten minutes’ work in one school hour.
I’ve
passed a No Grumpy Teacher law
so
one bad word or dismal frown
from
Mr Spite or Miss Hatchetface
will
get them each a month’s stretch
sharpening
pencils and marking books
inside
the gaol of their choice.
All
headteachers are forbidden
from
wearing soft-soled shoes
instead
they must wear wooden clogs
so
you can hear them coming.
They
are also banned from shouting
or
spoiling our assembly by pointing
at
the ones who never listen.
Finally
the schools must shut
for
at least half the year
and
if the weather’s really sunny
the
teachers have to take us all
to
the seaside for the day.
If
you’ve got some good ideas
for
other laws about the grown-ups
drop
me a line in Downing Street
I’ll
always be glad to listen
come
on, help me change a thing or two
before
we all grow up
and
get boring.
David Harmer
8. How to Look after Your Pets
Be
kind to your tarantula
it seldom
gets out very far
so
take it with you in the car.
Your
mum will be extremely pleased
to
find it crawling on her knees.
To
exercise a porcupine
whose
muscles are in sad decline
just
bounce it on a trampoline.
The
animal looks most appealing
with
its spines stuck in the ceiling.
Piranhas
will get stressed and fraughter
without
some time for play and slaughter
in a
deep tank of warmish water.
Your
aged auntie’s bath will do.
Please
clean the bones out after use.
An
over anxious alligator
should
be fed soggy prunes and dates or
large
helping of mashed potato.
Small
hands are best to feed this diet,
so
let your little sister try it.
It is
a natural mistake
when
playing with a rattlesnake
to
grab the head and give a shake.
It’s
better twisted in a knot
and
hung above the baby’s cot.
If
hiccups worry your hyena
cover
it in semolina
and
squeeze it like a concertina.
Wear
wellies , waterproofs and hood
to
avoid the splatter of wet pud.
If
you are worried ,get advice:
a
change of diet might suffice
but
it is not considered nice
to
let your pet
eat
the vet.
David Calder
9. Seasick
‘I
don’t feel welk,’ whaled the squid, sole-fully.
‘What’s
up?’ asked the doctorpus.
‘I’ve
got sore mussels and a tunny-hake,’she told him.
‘Lie
down and I’ll egg salmon you,’ mermaid the doctorpus.
‘Rays
your voice ,’said the squid. ‘I’m a bit hard of herring.’
‘Sorry!
I didn’t do it on porpoise,’ replied the doctorpus
orc-wardly.
He
helped her to oyster herself on to his couch
And
asked her to look up so he could sea urchin.
He
soon flounder plaice that hurt.
‘This’ll
make it eel,’he said, whiting a prescription.
‘So I
won’t need to see the sturgeon?’ she asked.
‘Oh ,
no,’ he told her. ‘In a couple of dace you’ll feel brill.’
‘Cod
bless you,’ she said.
‘That’ll
be sick squid, ’replied the doctorpus.
Nick Toczek
10. Parent-Free Zone
Parents
please note
that
from now on,
our
room is a
‘Parent
–Free Zone’.
There
will be no spying
under
the pretence of
tidying
up.
There
will be no banning
of
television programmes
because
our room
is a
tip.
No
complaints about noise,
or
remarks about the ceiling
caving
in.
No
disturbing the dirty clothes
that
have festered in piles for weeks.
No
removal of coffee cups
where
green mould
has
taken hold.
(These
have been left there
for
scientific research purposes.)
No
reading of letters
to
gain unauthorized information
which
may be used against us
at a
later date.
No
searching through schoolbags
to
discover if we’ve done our homework
or
unearth forgotten notes.
Our
room is a ‘Parent-Free Zone’
and a
notice is pinned to the door.
But
just a minute,
there’s
something wrong…
MUM-WHY
HAVEN’T YOU MADE OUR BEDS?
Brian Moses
11. When the Children
Aren’t
Looking
When
the children aren’t looking
The
teacher sticks his tongue out
At
the Yellow Table,
Makes faces at the Green table,
And
ties all the shoelaces together
Of
the children on the Red Table.
When
the children aren’t looking
The
teacher eats all the stick insects
And
makes a rude model of a bottom
Out
of plasticine and shows it to the hamster
(Who
doesn’t know what it is,
Never
having seen a bottom before.)
When
the children aren’t looking
The
teacher picks his nose
and
without even blinking, or winking
Into
his mouth it goes.
When
the children aren’t looking
He
writes rude words on his sock
And
shows them to the goldfishes
Who
are open-mouthed with shock.
But
when the teacher gets home
And
wipes his feet on the mat.
His
mummy asks , ‘Been a good teacher today?’
He
says, ‘Yes Mum.’-What do you think of that?
Mike Harding
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